My Dad

My Dad

I have to apologize for making such a vague Facebook status update the other day.  I normally don’t like to do that.  But I was having an extremely bad day.  In fact… this whole week has been, pretty much, a big ball of suck (for lack of a better term).    I apologize for anyone that assumed that there was something wrong with J-Man.  Thank God, he’s doing really well at the moment. I really just needed some reassurance and love and support and I am very thankful and grateful to all of my friends and family who reached out to me.   I feel like I should explain what’s been going on.  

My sister’s and I had been given some devastating information and I was trying to process it and actually, still haven’t been able to fully grasp what’s happening.    My Dad informed us, over the weekend, that he’s dying.  Not just dying, but literally, starving to death.  Every since he was diagnosed with Esophageal Cancer last year, his mindset hasn’t been the same.  Even though he made it through all the cancer treatments and the surgery like a Champ, and has been cancer free since, he never fully “bounced” back.  Apparently, within the last few weeks, he’s been unable to eat or drink anything - or at least anything of real substance - and has lost quite a substantial amount of weight.   What he told us the other day is that he is tired …. Tired of hurting, tired of feeling bad, tired of living.  He feels like it’s his time to go.  He got himself signed onto Hospice and refuses any sort of intervention… no feeding tube, no fluids, nothing…. 

He said we should accept that it’s his time and we all knew this day would come eventually. The thing is,  it may NOT be his time… he has chosen not to have a feeding tube so we can get some weight back on him and help him gain some strength back.   We’re just supposed to watch him waste away and die!!!  How can he expect us to be “okay” with that?  How can he even ask us to do that?   We’ve all tried talking with him.  We’ve begged, pleaded, cried, yelled, and even tried to guilt him into eating or changing his mind about the feeding tube.  Nothing….   He’s dead set in his decision.   I yelled at him the other day.  Said he was being selfish for putting us in this position.  That I do NOT, under any circumstance, like his decision nor do I believe I can ever accept it.   I begged him to tell me what is going through his mind… to try to help me understand WHY???? I said, “Dad… I NEED you to explain your rationalization to me….. Please, help me understand why you think it has to be this way…. So that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to come to terms with this…. Or at least try to”.   He couldn’t tell me why.    Our dad….. A Career Military Man… Army Drill Sergeant – Tough As Nails Soldier… Husband, Dad, Granddad, and Great Granddad…. One of the toughest men I’ve ever known is now one of the weakest and most frail men that I’ve ever known.  How can this be?  He was always such a hard-ass when we were growing up.  I just can’t figure it out. 

My emotions are all over the place…. I’m a basket case these days.  I’m mad and frustrated but I don’t want to be mad and frustrated.  Then I get mad at myself for being mad at him.  I am truly trying to understand so that I can get some sort of peace.  My heart is breaking.  I don’t know how I’ll have the strength to watch him go through this dying process.  I’m beyond frustrated - I’d like to just shake him and tell him to WAKE UP!!! 

After I yelled at him the other day, I told him I love him and that I thought he should think about the feeding tube again.  He promised me he would seriously consider it and let me know his final decision on Friday (tomorrow). The problem is that I don’t know if he’s capable of making any decisions at this point.  His mind is pretty foggy, from either the pain meds or the dehydration… probably both.   And if he actually is still lucid enough to change his mind, would he be doing so just to “humor” us?  I think I could live with that….. but then what if something more devastating happens down the road?  There are going to be so many things left unanswered.   

I guess I could look at it as a blessing of sorts…that we have the opportunity to say things to him that might, under different circumstances, go left unsaid.  Can that, REALLY, be considered a “blessing”?!?!?  I’m not sure because of the situation.   

Like I said before…. I don’t know how to do this.  I don’t know how to accept OR respect my dad’s decision.  I don’t know how to deal with this whole thing.  I hope that my sisters and I can find a way to come to terms with this and find some peace, somewhere.   This still feels like some horrible nightmare.  I haven’t given up the hope that he’ll “snap out” of this.  I still believe in miracles.