My Dad
I have to apologize for making such a vague Facebook status
update the other day. I normally don’t
like to do that. But I was having an
extremely bad day. In fact… this whole
week has been, pretty much, a big ball of suck (for lack of a better
term). I apologize for anyone that assumed that
there was something wrong with J-Man.
Thank God, he’s doing really well at the moment. I really just needed
some reassurance and love and support and I am very thankful and grateful to
all of my friends and family who reached out to me. I feel like I should explain what’s been
going on.
My sister’s and I had been given some devastating
information and I was trying to process it and actually, still haven’t been
able to fully grasp what’s happening.
My Dad informed us, over the weekend, that he’s dying. Not just dying, but literally, starving to
death. Every since he was diagnosed with
Esophageal Cancer last year, his mindset hasn’t been the same. Even though he made it through all the cancer
treatments and the surgery like a Champ, and has been cancer free since, he
never fully “bounced” back. Apparently,
within the last few weeks, he’s been unable to eat or drink anything - or at least
anything of real substance - and has lost quite a substantial amount of
weight. What he told us the other day
is that he is tired …. Tired of hurting, tired of feeling bad, tired of
living. He feels like it’s his time to
go. He got himself signed onto Hospice and
refuses any sort of intervention… no feeding tube, no fluids, nothing….
He said we should accept that it’s his time and we all knew
this day would come eventually. The thing is,
it may NOT be his time… he has chosen not to have a feeding tube so we
can get some weight back on him and help him gain some strength back. We’re just supposed to watch him waste away
and die!!! How can he expect us to be “okay”
with that? How can he even ask us to do
that? We’ve all tried talking with
him. We’ve begged, pleaded, cried, yelled,
and even tried to guilt him into eating or changing his mind about the feeding
tube. Nothing…. He’s dead set in his decision. I yelled at him the other day. Said he was being selfish for putting us in
this position. That I do NOT, under any
circumstance, like his decision nor do I believe I can ever accept it. I begged him to tell me what is going
through his mind… to try to help me understand WHY???? I said, “Dad… I NEED you
to explain your rationalization to me….. Please, help me understand why you
think it has to be this way…. So that maybe, just maybe, I’ll be able to come
to terms with this…. Or at least try to”.
He couldn’t tell me why. Our dad….. A Career Military Man… Army Drill Sergeant
– Tough As Nails Soldier… Husband, Dad, Granddad, and Great Granddad…. One of the
toughest men I’ve ever known is now one of the weakest and most frail men that
I’ve ever known. How can this be? He was always such a hard-ass when we were
growing up. I just can’t figure it
out.
My emotions are all over the place….
I’m a basket case these days. I’m mad
and frustrated but I don’t want to be mad and frustrated. Then I get mad at myself for being mad at him. I am truly trying to understand so that I can
get some sort of peace. My heart is
breaking. I don’t know how I’ll have the
strength to watch him go through this dying process. I’m beyond frustrated - I’d like to just
shake him and tell him to WAKE UP!!!
After I yelled at him the other day, I told him I love him
and that I thought he should think about the feeding tube again. He promised me he would seriously consider it
and let me know his final decision on Friday (tomorrow). The problem is that I
don’t know if he’s capable of making any decisions at this point. His mind is pretty foggy, from either the
pain meds or the dehydration… probably both. And if he actually is still lucid enough to
change his mind, would he be doing so just to “humor” us? I think I could live with that….. but then
what if something more devastating happens down the road? There are going to be so many things left
unanswered.
I guess I could look at it as a blessing of sorts…that we have
the opportunity to say things to him that might, under different circumstances,
go left unsaid. Can that, REALLY, be
considered a “blessing”?!?!? I’m not
sure because of the situation.
Like I said before…. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to accept OR respect my dad’s
decision. I don’t know how to deal with
this whole thing. I hope that my sisters
and I can find a way to come to terms with this and find some peace, somewhere.
This still feels like some horrible
nightmare. I haven’t given up the hope
that he’ll “snap out” of this. I still
believe in miracles.
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